2011

Well, I've written about two blog posts this year. I apologize again, but it's been a busy semester and a sad summer and through it all, life has been good.

Funny thing about arguing with God is that you're still talking to Him. I came out of Haiti with some issues, then went home and didn't have anyone to talk to about it. David was in Argentina and we could only talk about once a week for not very long, so I didn't ever have time- or the words- to explain what was going on in me. I was messed up, flew to Atlanta to surprise him upon his arrival in the states (which was incredibly fun, by the way!), then went back home to Pullman a week later for school. It's by the grace of God and my incredible, incredible church and friends that I came out the other side okay. I'm so amazingly blessed.

This semester was very very busy with school, work, church, and freshman village (which is AWESOME), but I got to spend more time with my awesome boyfriend David and get to know him in a different way. We grew a lot closer over the last few months, let go of some pretty big insecurities, and fell in love. It's been an awesome couple months and I'm very excited about the future. :)

And lastly, my church moved! Resonate got too big for Schweizer, so we moved to Gladish Community Center. I love it. We have plenty of room, 900 seats, so bring your friends!

some stuff i learned in haiti

Thinking back on Haiti, I can't put my finger on any one time that God taught me something- I have to look at the trip as a whole. I t amazes me that, as mature as I think I am sometimes, I still am so self-centered and narrow-minded and naive at times. I was daily reminded of how redemptive and powerful and patient God is, and how desperately I still need Him every morning.

I started off the trip so full of myself and excited to have another country under my belt, but God humbled me so fast. I was shown how powerless I am on my own in a country that embraces and praises the devil by immediate attacks on my attitude and character. I tried to fix it on my own, but redemption only came through daily pleading with the Lord to give me more of Himself.

Redemption throughout the rest of the trip was that of a mind being pulled 800 different directions, then being shown truth. I fought a lot with the Haitian church and charismatics, and fought the line between stretching my faith and getting lost in the prosperity gospel. The Haitian church is growing, which is awesome because it means voodoo is losing its power, but the church is prospering because they preach the prosperity gospel- something so appealing to a burdened and struggling nation. I was convicted to have a faith that believes God can heal the physically broken (and He did), but was convicted to speak the truth about God's sovereignty and omniscience- and our due response being that of humility towards our King. God is good, and that is not a truth based on Him meeting our definition of good. That is a truth, and we need to change our perspective or when we can't see it. My fear for the charismatic church is that in the same way the people went from shouting "hosanna!" to "crucify him!" when Jesus didn't fit their expectations, they will walk away and their faith will be empty when God doesn't give them everything they ask of Him. The gospel of Jesus Christ has to be a "but if not" conviction*, otherwise it's no faith at all. When we seek the blessings of God rather than the face of God, we end up disappointed.

*This is a conviction where one believes God can do what you ask of Him, one has faith that God will do what you ask of Him, but if not, your perceptions of God are not changed.

God has blessed me with a million reasons and ways to be happy, but it's always at times when those things are taken away that I am forced to rely on God and know that He is all I need.There were a lot of times when I was afraid and upset and uncomfortable and honestly all I wanted was to be in David's arms, but I couldn't be and needed to find rest in God's arms. He is all I need; He gives me peace and rest and that's not dependent upon me being physically held.

This summer is gonna be a hard one. I'm away from my new home and friends, I'm away from David until August 17 (our 7 mesiversario! woohoo!), and I'm always "missing" someone or something. Hebrews 12:7-11 is my anthem for the summer. I'm being disciplined, and although I'm sad sometimes, I'm approaching God with humility. He has given me this summer as a time of solitude, and God's purpose for my time in the Tri Cities is as deliberate as my time in Haiti was.

Don't give up, guys! God is good and he LOVES you. Find your peace in Him and Him alone.

Never underestimate my Jesus

Hi guys! It's been a pretty long time. A lot has happened, and i'll definitely fail at this, but i'll try to catch you up.

It has been a ridiculous, stressful, crazy semester. The first four or five weeks were awesome, starting with this awesome guy named David asking me to be his lady (i blogged about it December 18 and i was right!). Then i got pretty sick and things went downhill fast. I hadn't been sleeping well because of my sickness (which lasted over a month), and during the first set of midterms, i missed one exam entirely (slept through it), bombed one, and forgot about the other (i got the lowest grade in a class of 300+). I've already been reinstated to the university once and i can't do it again, so that was very very bad for me. But God and I have a special relationship where He tries to teach me to trust Him and i don't learn, so He takes away my self-sufficiency and forces me to rely on Him. It's terrifying, every time, but He has yet to let me down. Who knows, maybe someday i'll stop hesitating to trust Him :)

If you don't like cheesy crap, i'd advise you to not read this next bit. i'm gonna talk about my boyfriend (ew, right?).

So yep, i have a novio now! We've been dating for three months now, and they have not been easy, but they have been so good. I've already learned so much and have been given hope for relationships, because i honestly did not believe i would ever find a man who i didn't get sick of after like a week. We are both seeking the Lord's face and heart and will for our lives, and it's beautiful and crazy and difficult. But David is a great guy with a heart to serve both the nations and the people in his life, and i admire him like crazy for that. It's been fun, and we're going to be apart for about 4 months this summer (i'll be in Haiti and he, Argentina), but i think we're gonna be okay :)

Lastly, i'm going to Haiti! Getting this trip to come together and work out for me has been beyond stressful. I have had so little money and so little time and so many things to do before this trip can happen, and although there is definitely a lot left to do, I have been forced to place my trust in Christ and He has given me everything i need. Like i said, God likes taking away my ability to provide for myself and making me trust Him, and it's still terrifying. There have been so many times i've wanted to give up, but i also know that I've been given a heart for Haiti that can only be explained by the Lord calling me to go (regardless of how much sense it makes). I've always had a heart pretty specificaly for Latin America, so this is far out of the zone of my talents and [past] interests. All i know is I've been called by God, and i'm going to be obedient to that.

My passport was expedited last week (after avoiding a gov't shutdown!), plane tickets were bought yesterday, school ends in 17 days, and I'm leaving in 27 days. Unbelievable.

If it crosses your mind, please be praying for me. I've been humbled a ton these last couple weeks, and I still need lots of support and prayer for Haiti (shoot me an email with your address if you're interested in hearing about our trip!). God is amazing in the ways He uses the otherwise incapable. I'm so grateful.

Never underestimate Jesus, friends.

ten

2010 was good to me. no doubt a winning season.

Crazy how much better life is when God is genuinely at the center.

Here's to another year of having my heart explode with God's goodness.

too too too fast

oh hey guys. sorry, i know it's been forever since i've written anything. this semester was a busy one. i took 17 credits (which is a much, much larger load than any semester in the past), i took up a part time job coaching 2 volleyball teams for the parks and rec, and i sang with my church (which hardly felt like a duty.. it was an enormous blessing and a privilege). and i loved every minute of it. i'm an optimist and a Christian and i'll always believe that God is good. but even if i didn't always believe so, this would be one of the times when it would be easy to say. God has been very, very good to me and these have been some of the happiest months of my life.

so: here's a couple highlights..

my relationships: i've been blessed with a million amazing relationships within the last 4 months, it's so insane. i remember when i used to talk about people who've made me happy recently in my blogs, i would tag them in a post on facebook. but i'd literally run out of room if i tried to do that this time. you just know who you are :]

music: i love the worship team. i act mean to you guys but it's only cuz i like you so much. i liked going to catalyst and pasco with you. you are nice. except for brian.

my roommate:.. oh dear beth graham. you make me way happy. i'm glad you're not as pristine as i thought you were when i met you last semester.. because if you were.. yeah. you know. it makes me so extremely happy that i daily look forward to the time of day when we can take our pants off to french techno. and that we can jam out to madera limpia. and that you fart audibly around me now (that's no secret.. everybody knows). and that you laugh at me when i get so frustrated over my life during prayer that i start swearing. and that you laugh at pretty much every unfiltered comment that comes out my mouth. and that God gave me you as a roommate, because i have no doubt in my mind that he did that for us.

God is so, so good to me. i'm very excited for the future and the things he's changing my heart toward. i'm glad that he's faithful, and i'll praise Him when life gets hard again. but man. my life is stinkin goood.

so to sum up! 1. church is good. 2. classes were good. 3. friends are good. 4. God is good, and consequently 5. the future will be good. oh and... 6. there might even be a boy.

i love you guys. let me know how i can pray for you.

here's to the end of a fantastic semester :]

love, break me

i have been quite busy lately. school has been treating me well, even though 17 credits is quite the load for me. church is treating me so well (turns out i'm now a southern baptist!). never before have i been blessed to know so many genuine, kind, God-loving people. i even kinda have a job. sure, it's six hours a week, but i'm really not sure if i could handle more than that. but stuff is happening in my heart and mind (it's heavy now, but i have no doubt i'll be better off when i get to the other side of it), and it's honestly too much for me to make sense of right now.

last night as i was laying in bed, i started dreaming. in my dream, i saw Jesus carrying my cross up to Calvary. instead of having an emotional reaction or helping Him carry my cross, i got out my camera and started taking artistic, detailed pictures of His bleeding back.

i don't know what this means yet.

i don't believe this was just a random firing of neurons.

i don't believe my brain came up with this on its own,

and i don't believe i'll be able to be at peace until i can figure this out.

keep me in your prayers, because i'm still growing up. and growing up leads me to face some harsh realities. but the joy of it all is that through those harsh realities, i also face the beauty of Christ's love and what it means for me and my relationships.

the best it's ever been

if you've talked to me much lately, you've probably noticed that i've been extremely happy.

maybe even a little on the obnoxious side.

but please don't hate me too much, because:

i am the happiest i have ever been in my life.

i have always been content with my life (well not always, but since i've founded myself in God), but things obviously don't always go your way.

sometimes life is rough, or unfair, or plain just rude to you.. but you learn how to not only get past it, but learn how to be joyful in every circumstance and love those around you with the best example of Christlike love you can be.

this is not one of those rough times. i am completely overwhelmed by the wealth of blessings surrounding me.

my roommate is a gorgeous, smart, kind woman with a heart for God and a knowledge of Him.

my dorm, aside from being beautiful, is full of the friendliest, most caring people i have ever had the pleasure of living with.

my church is wonderful. i've been blessed to meet so many kind people.

one thing i'm extremely excited about is the opportunity i've been given to sing with the worship team at resonate. it's possibly the most talented group of musicians i've ever known, and it still blows my mind a little bit that they would let me sing with them.

worship is an amazing thing.. i see it as a response to what i know of God. and what i've been shown of His character is capable of flooring me.

where else could i find an unconditional love? all i've ever done is walk away from God and ignore Him and fail to make Him a priority. and all He does is love me.

(Josh: There You Are by carolyn arends. i want to sing it sometime! it's extremely meaningful to me, and a perfect example of why i worship God.)

i'm a little ashamed that i haven't fully used my talent to honor God in the past (thank you, meiocre self). but i fully intend to in the future, because He is completely worthy.

(and don't you dare quote me as being cocky, i know my voice is a gift from God and i take no credit for it)

these last few weeks have been more deep and meaningful to me than nearly anything else in the past 18 years of my life. my heart is full, and my joy has been restored. and i love my God.